Jazz and Em go to the Supermarket
by Still-Obsessed
Summary: Bella is pregnant and has a lot of wierd cravings. Jasper and Emmett are all helpful and sweet when they tell her that they’ll go buy all the food she wants for her. Problem is: they had no idea there would be so many kinds of food! COMPLETE! Yay!
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Notes: Um… please review?**

**Disclaimer: No, I definitely don't own Twilight**

**JASPER'S POV**

"Okay, what was written on that list again?" I said as both Emmett and I jumped out of the car.

Emmett rummaged through his coat pocket and found a rumpled, messed-up list.

"Emmett, you have a scrap of paper in your pocket for exactly 8 minutes and it emerges barely alive," I sighed, with a shake of my head.

"Whatever," Em retorted. "At least, I can still read what it says." He looked at the paper for a moment and said, "Dude, scratch that. I have no idea what the hell is written on this paper."

"Give it to me," I reached out to take the list and looked at it. After a moment of confusion, I glanced up at Emmett with, I'm sure, the safe befuddled look that was on his face. "Uh, Em. What are Pop-Tarts?"

"You tell me," Emmett replied.

"Get one of those shopping cart things," I ordered, pointing to one of them standing outside the store. "This is probably gonna take some time."

Emmett grabbed a cart and two vampires walked into the supermarket with a shopping cart.

"Whew," Emmett said as the smell of the vegetables hit them as soon as the sliding doors opened, "Get a whiff of that."

"That IS disgusting," I agreed, causing a man who was advertising some sort of completely inedible food to walk away, obviously thinking they were speaking if the food he was intent on offering.

"Bella never said anything about vegetables," Emmett said, reviewing the list again. "I think…" He sounded unsure, having no idea if the foreign names written on the paper were for vegetable or fruit or bread or drink.

He looked up. "Fruit Loops are in the fruit section, right?"

"I'm sure they are," I smiled, glad that they have finally figured something out.

Emmett walked toward the fruits which were on the right of the store's door. I dragged the shopping cart behind me. It rattled on its rickety wheels.

"So," Emmett sounded unsure, "which are the fruit loops?"

"Um… We'll find those later. What else is fruit-related and is written on Bella's list?"

Emmett consulted the list and squinted as he tried to read Bella's messy scrawl. Neither of us had dared complain about her handwriting while she was compiling this list, nor had we volunteered to be the ones to do the writing. The first one would have sent her to a fit of uncontrolled rage that even I wouldn't be able to handle and the second would've caused hysterical, unsecure sobbing. I wonder why so many women want to get pregnant and have babies (ahemROSALIEahem). It looked like it was all mood swings and punches in the stomach to me. Actually it looked like a right pain in the a—

"There's Fruit by the Foot," Emmett said, breaking my concentration.

"Huh?" I said.

"That's another fruit-related thing on Bella's list," Emmett explained, looking proud of himself.

"Right. Shopping. Um, what's that?" I asked tentatively

Emmett sighed with exhaustion. "I DON'T KNOW! All I know is that I'm missing a Rangers game and there is no (here he said a very colorful word) TV in this place."

"Okay, calm down." I tried to infuse some calmness into his system without drawing (more) attention to Emmett. He had attracted quite a few looks our way with his yelling. A woman was staring at Emmett, obviously enthralled by his (snort) beauty. Boy, would Rosalie kill her if she knew. I looked at her and the force o my stare drew her to me. The feelings she had been having for Emmett changed to me (awkward!) and I bared my teeth at her. She looked stunned and ran away to the door of the store.

As I saw her running to her rusty car (in Forks, the only kinds of cars are 'Rusty' and 'Breaking Down' and 'Already Broken'), I felt sort of bad. Here she was a person we could've asked what Fruit Loops, Pop-Tarts, Fruit by the Foot and all the rest of this stuff was. _Too late_, I thought.

I looked at Emmett who was clinging to my feet, obviously dying about missing his hockey game. He was letting out childish sobs. I nudged him with my other foot.

"Emmett, get up."

He looked up at me. He let out a strangled sob. "You're from TEXAS!" For some reason, that made him cry even harder.

"What? What about me being from Texas is so… crying-worthy?" I asked, confused.

"After the Rangers game, there is going to be a game between the Dallas Cowboys and… and…," after tat, it was obvious I wasn't going to get a straight word out of him.

"C'mon," I muttered, walking and dragging Emmett behind me as I bravely wandered through the unknown realms of the dark and dangerous supermarket.

**Give me some feedback, please. I want to know what you think of it!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: Don't Own NUTHIN'!**

As I walked and dragged Emmett behind me, I passed a rack that read 'Cereal, Bread, and Grain'. Somehting caught my eye and I rushed to pick it up (a little difficult with me having to drag Emmett behind me).

"Uh, Em?" I asked, shocked. My tone woke up Emmett some and he stood up immediately.

"Wassup, bro?" he asked.

"Fruit Loops are not actually fruit. They are some of this… cereal thing." I was surprised, shocked beyond words.

"But it says FRUIT on the list _and_ the box… doesn't it?" He sounded a bit unsure of the writing on the paper.

"I'm sure it does say fruit," I assured Emmett. "But you know what that means don't you."

"Uh… no?"

"It means that every thing that is written on the list…"

"May not exactly mean that same thing," Emmett finished and he looked just as horrified as I was. "So even if Bella said she wanted something called, oh, I don't know, Orange Bread that might be, like, a kind of fish or something?"

I sighed, "Yes, that is true."

"Being human sucks," Emmett complained sullenly.

"Too true," I said, "too true."

**I am going to continue! But I thought I'd thank you for the reviews and stuff by giving you an instant chapter!**


	3. The Age of PopTarts

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight nor do I own Pop-Tarts (except the ones I ate yesterday). The flavors that are written are all real.**

**Oh, and Cookies & Crème is my favorite Pop-Tart flavor ever. If ever asked that question in your next test or mid-term remember what the answer is: Cookies and Crème.**

Me and Em walked pretty carefully into the 'Cereal, Bread, and Grain' aisle, side by side, afraid to touch the shelves. It was like all the colorful boxes and cheerfully bright sayings were going to jump and attack us. I looked at a box with a tiger that said 'Frosties'. It looked like the tigers fangs were growing larger. I blinked. No, they weren't. Must be my imagination. This place was starting to freak me out. I had to leave before I went insane. Suddenly, Emmett stopped and pulled something off the shelf.

"POP-TARTS!" he shouted excitedly.

**(A/N: I'm assuming everyone in the world has the Pop-Tarts on the Cereal rack)**

"Wow," I said, admiringly, "that was really fast. Great job, Em."

"Thank you," he said modestly.

Ah, Emmett. So humble.

"Uh, there are A LOT of different kinds of these Pop-Tart things. Which flavor did Bella want?" I asked.

Emmett looked at the list and sighed. "She didn't say what flavor. All that's written here is Pop-Tarts."

"But," I said, flabbergasted, "There are MILLIONS of boxes and almost each one is a different kind. Which flavor was Bella referring to?"

Emmett looked at me squarely. "Do you want to be the one to tell Bella that we didn't get her Pop-Tarts?"

I gulped. No. Definitely not. Bella was… well, to be honest, she was completely insane. Being pregnant and all. When Bugs Bunny was cancelled the other day, she threw one of Esme's best vases throw the TV. Then she swore pretty impressively and cried for two hours straight. Both Emmett and Esme cried, too. Esme loved her china and well, Emmett loved the TV.

Emmett nodded wisely at my expression and, for a moment, he looked like that guy from Karate Kid. You know, the one that calls everyone grasshopper. Anyway, Emmett said, "You are thinking of the TV fiasco, too."

"Yup," I said mournfully. That had been a bad day for the Cullen household.

"Listen, don't you ever remember if Bella ever ate any specific Pop-Tart flavor in front of us? Do you remember any colored box with some creepy-looking toast dancing on it?" Emmett asked.

I shook my head no. None of us really paid attention to Bella when she ate. Mostly because we actually had to hear the food sliding down her throat and everything and another reason because, well, it's FOOD. It's horrible and disgusting and smelly and having to hear it going through someone's digestive system is not going to make it any more appealing.

I looked at the box that was eye-level to me and looked at the drawing on it. There was, indeed, a piece of toast on it looking like it was doing the jig and smiling. Freaky. Creepy. Scary. How do humans eat these things?

I looked at a few of the different boxes and read aloud:

"Brown Cinnamon Sugar

Apple Strudel

Cinnamon Roll

Apple Cinnamon

Strawberry Milkshake

Mint Chocolate Chip

Hot Fudge Sundae

Cookies & Crème

Chocolate Fudge"

And there were more and more and more. I looked towards Emmett.

He looked lost in a world called 'I AM SO CONFUSED"

I tried to think rationally. "How about this: we take a box of each. That way we will be sure that Bella gets the flavor that she wants."

"Actually, change that statement to 'we buy two of every box in the store'. Bella had written a two near 'Pop-Tarts'. Or is it a three?" Emmett squinted and lifted the paper so that it was above his head and was straight at the fluorescent lights.

"No," he said, lowering the paper and sounding a bit relieved. "It's a two."

"Thank god," I said, more than a bit relieved myself. "We would already be attracting attention to ourselves by buying two boxes of every type of Pop-Tart in the store. How ridiculous would we look if we bought three boxes?"

"Triple ridiculous?" Emmett suggested.

I rolled my eyes.

"Come on. We're probably gonna need another shopping cart."

Emmett went outside to get another shopping cart and I began pulling two boxes of each different flavor of its rack. That kid Bella was having better be worth all this trouble.

*****

**Review, please! They make me want to write faster! Was it too random? And thanks again wolf Lizzy! More stuff from the ominous list is coming in the next chapter.**


	4. David What?

**AN: Emmett is one of my fav. characters. I'm sorry I kinda dissed him. I apologize, dear Emmy. I still love you very much though. And I think David Archuleta's song Crush is pretty good. I hope you liked it, too.**

**It's 2:30 AM where I'm from and I was going to post in the morning tomorrow (which I should do) but I wanted to get you guys to read it first. I'm assuming it's mid-morning for a lot of you. I'm probably gonna wait for my first review and then hit the sheets so, um, please don't disappoint?**

As soon as we had three cartloads of Pop-Tarts filled (Emmett pushed two carts), we went to find a previously mentioned object on Bella's list: Fruit by the Foot.

"The name is not very appetizing, isn't it?" I commented. "Who wants to eat something that mentions feet on the label?"

"Maybe it's not even food. Maybe it is something that has to do with feet." Emmett supplied helpfully.

"What? Like, feet fruit?" I asked.

I paused for a moment.

"Okay, I have no idea what I'm talking about. Being so close to human objects is giving me a headache."

"Look, maybe we should just ask someone." Emmett said.

"No, Em, we can't," I objected, shaking my head. "What if whatever we are asking about is very well-known to humans? How do explain that we don't know something like that?"

Emmett looked thoughtful fro a moment, thinking everything I said through. "You're right," he finally gave in.

Both of us silently thought about what we should do and I got an idea.

"Hey, maybe we should ask what aisle the feet stuff is! Yeah, we can just say that we misplaced where the aisle for the fruit/feet thing is. No one can pin anything on us for that."

Emmett brightened, "Right! It's an honest to goodness mistake"

Emmett and I walked toward the cashier, a bubblegum-popping redhead. I read what was stitched to her fluorescent-yellow vest. 'Melanie', it read.

"Hello, Melanie," I began as I approached the thing where they place the food and stuff **(AN: sorry, what its name?).**

Melanie's jaw dropped to the ground (okay, I'm exaggerating) and I got a whiff of the watermelon bubblegum she was chewing. Come to think of it, I also got to _see_ the gum. Uncouth manners.

This situation was awkward. Again. Being so good-looking is a burden (just kidding!).

"Melanie, where would we find some 'Fruit by the Foot'? They're my favorite stuff to, er, eat. Or, maybe, drink. Or, um, place on my feet. Or, er, wash my car with. Well, so, you know what I mean. May I inquire to where I can find these, um, delightful things?"

Sweet move, Jasper. You just win the Idiot of the Year award. Well, you just broke Emmett's winning streak.

Luckily, Melanie seemed not to have heard my rambling. She shook her head after a moment and said, "I'm sorry, what did you ask?". She had a nasal, obnoxious, whiny noise. I took an immediate dislike of her. She sounded spoiled and bratty. Actually she sounded a bit like Rosalie. Those two adjectives described Rose quite perfectly.

"I asked about Fruit by the Foot. Where may I find these, er, stuff?"

Don't talk any more, Jasper. DO NOT talk anymore.

"Look in the candy section, aisle 4," her eyes raked over Emmett for a moment. Emmett, who had been watching the TV which was featuring a music video instead of sports (a tragedy in Em's book), glanced over at her and smiled widely, baring his teeth at her, practically growling.

Melanie didn't seem to notice. She didn't seem to get enough air in her brain to notice anything, really. Most of her brain cells seemed to be focused on the chomping of that bubble gum.

Still staring at Emmett (I tried to keep her emotions as detached from my body as possible), Melanie smiled in a way she obviously thought would be alluring. It looked like she was trying not to throw up, actually.

"Have you heard this song before?" Melanie asked Emmett.

"Huh?" He said, obviously disappointed that his tactic at scaring her hadn't worked.

"It's David Archuleta's song. Crush." She informed Emmett, who looked like he couldn't have cared less.

"Oh, ol' David," he said, a sudden gleam reaching his eye (I knew that gleam. It meant trouble). "He's a relative, actually."

Melanie sucked in a deep breath and let it out with a rush of air. The scent of blood spread into the air a bit. I didn't have time for this nonsense.

"Come on, Emmett we need to leave. Aisle Four, remember?" I said.

Melanie was right in front of Emmett now, though, with no plans of letting him leave any time soon.

"OMG! You, like, totally have to, like, introduce us! I mean, you are really cute and all, but I've never seen you on TV, so I think I like him more, okay?" Melanie chewed harder on the gum.

"No hard feelings," Emmett said grandly. "I'm sure you and I would've been great together, but, well, I'm no Dave Anderson."

"Who's Dave Anderson?" Melanie asked, confused.

"Er, what was the name of that guy on the music video?" Emmett asked her.

My patience was running out. "EMMETT!" I hissed loudly

"David Archuleta," she said proudly.

"Yeah, well I'm no David Archuleta," Emmett continued, acting as though he hadn't heard me.

Melanie smiled dreamily. "Isn't he amazingly hot?" she asked.

"Yes," I snapped, annoyed. "Amazing. Yes. Hot. Yes. Let's just go!"

"When can I meet him?" Melanie asked, now completely love-struck and in la-la land.

"As soon as his tour is over," Emmett said.

Melanie's eyes sparkled and she blew a bubble and popped it before she spoke. "He's on tour?" she asked.

"Yes and as soon as—"

I couldn't stand it a moment longer and yanked Emmett by the ear and shoved him toward aisle 4.

Melanie called after Emmett, "Don't forget to tell him about me, Cute Random Store Guy, okay? I'll be waiting for his call."

"No problem," Emmett hollered over his shoulder.

As soon as we entered the candy section and were away from Melanie's eyes, I cornered Emmett.

"What the hell was that about?" I seethed.

"What? I was just having a little fun," Emmett said innocently, managing to look like and angel.

Well, an angel with bulging triceps, but you understand what I mean.

I glowered at him for a moment but let it go. If I had a penny for every stupid, ridiculous stunt Emmett pulled, I'd be up at least 12 million dollars right now. It did no good to lecture Emmett. It was like telling Tom that, no matter what, Jerry would get away.

"So, um, the feet stuff were candy?" Emmett said, abruptly changing the subject.

"Yeah, they were apparently," I said. I spotted a box that had a picture of a roll of… something uncurling.

"Oh," Emmett said. "When they say Fruit by the Foot they mean a foot of fruit. That is pretty clever." He said admirably.

I looked at him for moment.

"Emmett, let's get this shopping trip over with before the fumes of the food give you brain damage."

**I stayed up way late last night writing this chapter :). The least you can do is review! Was the David Archuleta thing unnecessary? I just wanted to add to the story the fact that there were other things going on in the store, not just Em and Jazz's shopping, but it seemed a little random. What did you think?**


	5. Em's POV, I guess

**Author's Note: Someone asked where Edward was during this FF. Since this is a VERY realistic fanfic (NOT!), Edward is at home with pregnant Bella. KK?**

**Also I was listening to MuggleCast while writing this chapter (the shock! A Twi fan who loves HP, too! LOL) and so that may explain the Harry Potter references.**

**Disclaimer: Don't own Harry Potter, Twilight, MuggleCast, Imprint, grapes and the list goes on…**

**EMMETT'S POV!!!!**

Once again, Jasper and I walked boldly amidst the store. We were looking for another item that is on Bella's list: Red Grapes.

"What is the difference between red grapes and normal grapes?" Jasper asked me, sounding mildly interested.

"How in the world should I know?" I said, deadpan. This shopping trip was wearing me out. It's worse than that day when Alice heard that Fendi, Chanel, and Louis Vuitton were having a sale on the same day. She had been a nervous ball of energy. Her mind was exploding because she had such a difficult decision to make: which continent would be best to shop in, North America or Europe? (We ended up taking a last-minute flight France, if you are interested)

"I think the only difference, really, is the color." I said, continuing me and Jasper's conversation to distract me from the horrible mind image I was having (Alice carrying _62_ shopping bags around Paris, refusing to let me or anyone else help her because of what happened last year) **(Read "Emmett, FRIENDS and the Lottery" to know what I'm talking about)**

Jasper nodded and asked, "Grapes are fruit, right?"

"Yeah," I said, "I'm pretty sure they are."

"Wanna go ask Melanie about that, to double check?" Jasper asked sarcastically. "She seems to have taken a liking to you."

I grinned and said, "Jazzie, if you want to date other girls I'm sure Alice won't mind. I mean, all she'd do is kill that girl and then hunt you down and—"

"Oh, shut up, you moron," Jazz muttered. "And don't call me Jazzie."

A retort was on the tip of my tongue, I was ready to call him 'Jazzie' agian, to act like the immature person I am. However, I did not want to cause a fight and I swallowed down the words.

Jasper gave me a strange look. "Very impressive," he said, smiling.

I didn't respond to him (really, what would I say? 'Thank you'?) and said, "Let's just go find these stupid grapes and get outta here."

"Whatever," Jasper said, suddenly looking as exhausted as I was. It was ridiculous. We were vampires. We didn't get tired. Once we played baseball for 34 hours straight! (It had been a _very_ rainy day, even in Forks-standards). Compared to that, this should be a picnic! It's a little depressing that the vampires have been weakened by a human. To be exact, by mundane human needs.

Me and Jasper walked toward the fruit section (again) and stopped in front of the colorful, pungent foods. "Those are grapes, right?" I said, pointing to tiny green ball things.

"Yes," Jasper said, sounding amused. "That's what I deduced from that little label.

I looked at where he had been pointing. Indeed there was a small label that read: American Grapes.

"Eh, well," I said, a bit embarrassed. "At least we know what the shape of the grapes is. Do you see a label for Red Grapes?"

Jasper scanned the aisle in a second. "No," he said, disappointed, "I don't."

I shook my head. We couldn't get lucky twice. That wasn't how life worked. Ah, life…

"Emmett, why are you feeling all musing and weird?"

Alright, moving on…

"Um, no reason. Just thinking about Rose."

Jasper gave me a disgusted look, "You muse and ponder about Rose? That doesn't sound like you."

"Well, I am a new man, now," I said imposingly. "And a person can change," I added.

"Yes," Jasper said. "People do change. _You_, however, don't."

"Do you want to find the goddamn grapes or not?" I responded angrily.

"Fine, fine," Jasper muttered. And then I heard him say something that sounded like 'Don't get your wand in a knot.'

Wait, Jasper was a Harry Potter fan? YAY! Now I can share my obsession of the books with someone!

"Jasper, do you think that Luna and Harry should be shipped more often? Or that they should've been canon?" I asked, excited, all anger abated.

Jasper looked at me for a moment.

"What the hell are you talking about?"

Oops. I've managed to keep my obsession secret for 10 long years and now… Crap. Talk Emmett. Say something! Tell a joke! Eat your pants! Demonstrate how you can lick your elbows! Just do something!

"Um. Would you like to see me eat my pants?"

Jasper stared at me.

I blinked.

"Or not," I offered.

Jasper said, "I don't even want to know…"

Good enough for me; I didn't want to tell him.

Jasper quickly changed the subject by saying, "Let's just buy everything and get the hell out of here, okay? This place is starting to give me the creeps."

I pointed to purple, small, round things, "Are those red grapes? Although they are a bit purple… Do you think these are red grapes?"

"Yeah, they are," a voice behind me said. That voice didn't belong to Jasper.

I groaned. Melanie.

"So… when do me and David Archuleta get to meet?"

**AN: Is Emmett's POV better than Jasper's? I'm sorry this chapter wasn't very funny… It'll be funnier in the next chapters (hopefully ;) ).**

**My friend, LoonyLuna15, and I agree with Emmett about Harry/Luna, BTW :)…**


	6. Sweet Little Old Lady NOT!

**AN: Thanks to ****Wolf Lizzy for giving me a few suggestions for items on the shopping list (I should've written that in the previous chapter)… If you have any food that you think would be really funny if I added it to the FF, tell me. I want (and need) more ideas! Oh, and a thank you goes to everyone who reviewed!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Titanic, Joe Jonas, Twilight, Pirates of the Carribean, Hannah Montana or any other thing that might come up in this FF**

Emmett looked flabbergasted.

"Melanie! Um…

Um…

Um…"

"This is what happens when you lie," I hissed, angry. We have already spent 20 minutes in the supermarket on 10 items. That feat should've taken less than 5 minutes, with our speed.

Melanie smiled expectantly. "When is his tour ending?"

Emmett breathed with relief. "TOUR! Yes, the tour. Um, it's ending next month."

Melanie cheery smile faded. "Month?" she asked softly, dangerous.

Emmett was feeling a bit scared at the moment; Melanie face had clouded over as quick as lightening. She looked a bit deranged, actually.

"Uh, did I say next month? I meant—"

I grabbed the list which was in Emmett's hands and left him, uninterested in the outcome of his stammering. He got himself into this mess, he could get himself out of it.

Well, actually Emmett couldn't get himself out of it, but it his fault anyway. I had nothing to do with it.

I sighed as I thought of all the stupid things Emmett has done through the years. A lot, actually. Where should I start? Painting Carlisle's car purple with blue polka-dots? Or wearing a Hannah Montana look-alike wig to school for a week? Reenacting the Titanic scene where Rose says that 'she's flying' (he did it alone so he switched between being Leonardo and Kate)? Or setting loose eighteen rats in the school cafeteria? Screaming 'I love Joe Jonas' in an assembly one day? So many years… so many of Emmett's insanity.

Anyway, I opened the list and read what was written right under 'Red Grapes'. It said 'Kiwi'.

Uh, what the hell?

Kiwi? Never heard of 'em.

Wait… weren't kiwis birds? Yeah, I think kiwis ARE birds! I saw that on the Discovery channel, I think.

Great! So Kiwis, it stands to reason, are poultry.

Where do the people keep the birds in this store?

I wandered aimlessly until I found a sign right above me that said, "Poultry, Meats and Fish".

I am getting good at this food-buying thing.

I neared the giant refrigerators and looked through the glass and saw many wrapped packages that fit the shape of chickens. I lifted one open and peered in. **(I'm totally making this up since I have no experience in buying chickens and am too lazy to go ask my mom) **A majority of the wrapped packages read: 'American' but a few read 'Canadian'. As I read the print on each of the bags, I saw that almost all read 'chicken'. Some said they were… pigeons, I think. Who would want to eat a_ pigeon_? Come to think, who would want to eat _chickens_? Humans are so weird.

After a moment or two of staring at the refrigerator I thought that maybe this Kiwi thing would have to be from New Zealand. You know, because people there are called Kiwi and this bird is called… nah, that was too convoluted to be true.

As I kept staring at the differently-colored chicken-shaped packages, wanting to figure out which one was a kiwi, I heard a voice behind me say: "Well, aren't you Mr. Handsome?" in this crackly old grandma voice.

I turned around and there was this old wrinkled lady who was carrying a cane. Why do both Emmett and I get unwanted women jumping up on us from behind?

The old woman batted her eyes. She looked like she trying to get an annoying fl away from her.

"Er, excuse me?"

"We-ell," she cackled, frightening me a bit, "you are just gorgeous."

"Beg pardon?" I said, not believing my ears. Or eyes, actually. The woman looked like she wilting right in front of my eyes. And it also seemed like a crime to call her a woman in the first place…

"Are you single? Cuz I'm taking applications…" she chortled and then coughed and blew her nose into a hankie.

WHAT WAS HAPPENING TO THE SWEET LITTLE OLD LADIES IN FORKS?

And that was the worse pick-up line I have ever heard…

I didn't want to frighten her. She looked like any sharp movement would pummel her straight into a coma… or a heart attack. She's the kind of old-person that you would be helping cross the street. Not the kind who should be hitting on the youth of the country! Not that I'm youth… eh, whatever.

Obviously in an attempt to be seductive, she pouted and her face looked all pinched up and then she grinned and I caught a glimpse of her toothless gums.

Aw, man.

"Um, excuse me, ma'am," it was always good to start politely.

"Call me, Helen," she said breathlessly.

"Erm, Helen, alright. I am a married man."

She didn't look the least bit troubled. "So was I… but I'm ready to date again!"

Lord, please help me. This would be an opportune time to send a stroke directly to this woman.

"Look, Miss or Mrs. Helen," I said, with a spark of intuition, "do you know where Kiwis are? I can't seem to find them."

She looked a bit confused, that stupid-looking grin finally wiped away.

"Well, of course you won't find them here. You are in the frozen foods section."

"I realize that, er, ma'am," I said, sarting to wonder if Helen was the best person to ask this, "but could you tell be which of these packages are for kiwis?"

"Young man," she said, sounding more her age (old and stern), "Kiwi can be found in the fruit section in the front of the store."

Oh…

Wait.

"Aren't kiwis birds?" I asked, unconciously inching toward the old women.

Suddenly I could sense her feeling cautious, like she was being wary of anything unusual I did or said.

"Kiwis may be birds, but they don't sell them in stores," she said. "Where have been for the last century?" she asked, a bit confused.

Last century? Hmmm… I've been dead.

"Well, alright then, Mrs. Helen. Thank you," I said.

"You're welcome," she smiled again suddenly, "and if you need anything else, ask me."

She added a wink after that. Well, she actually just blinked twice, but I'm guessing it was a wink. It sent a shudder of fear down my spine.

"Er, sure no problem," I said. She wasn't going to be seeing much of, anymore, that's for sure. First of all because I don't want to. Second of all, Alice would kill me. Hmm... Alice might either kill me or bust a rib laughing.

As I walked toward the front of the store (AGAIN!), Emmett suddenly appeared in the opposite direction of the aisle I was walking through, running as though the Kraken was following him (Pirate if the Caribbean reference).

"Run. Quickly! Melanie has gone insane and says she wants to kill me!"

**AN: Just so you know, I actually love the way old ladies look when they are all happy and smiling… They look so cute! This little old lady, however, took happy to a whole other level.  
**

**READ THIS!!!!**

**IF YOU WANT TO SEE EMMETT'S POV OF THIS CHAPTER (HOW HE GOT AWAY FROM THE DAVID-CRAZED FANFIRL AND HOW HE MANAGED TO MAKE HER SO MAD), WRITE THAT IN YOU REVIEW. IF YOU THINK IT IS IRRELEVANT AND UNINTERESTING, WELL, UM, TELL ME THAT YOU DON'T WANT ME TO WASTE A CHAPTER ON IT. PLEASE, I WANT AT LEAST EIGHT ANSWERS SO THAT I CAN BE AS UNBIASED AS POSSIBLE... Thank you and I hoped you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it :)**


	7. Em's POV, again

**AN: I got more reviews telling me they want Em's POV with Melanie so this is what's gonna happen :) Sorry, if you wanted another chappie. I'm also sorry, but you shouldn't expect the same Chapter-A-Day (or chapter every two days) anymore. I'm going to be getting kinda busy with school in a bit so… well, ya know. It's school and it sucks.**

**Disclaimer: Honestly…**

**Emmett's POV**

I was shocked beyond words as I stared at Melanie. "Um…

Um…

Um…"

I heard Jasper snarl under his breath, "This is what happens when you lie." Right. Like I needed a lecture right now.

Melanie kept right on smiling like a lunatic. "So, when is his tour ending?"

Tour! I grasped at the knowledge that I had something to prevent her from having to tell her that there is no David dude in her future.

"Tour!" I exclaimed. "Yes, the tour. Um, that's ending," how long do music tours last?!?, "next month."

Apparently, that did not please Melanie.

"Month?" she seethed. Her eyes seemed to dilate and her entire body seemed to freeze in place.

Uh-oh. Was that a wrong answer?

I felt Jasper grab something from my hand (the list of food, I later realized) and, sighing dramatically, leave me with the crazed girl.

No, Jasper! Please don't leave me! Can't he just calm her or something? I shot a quick look at Jasper's retreating back, hoping to send my pleas to him telepathically. No such good luck.

"Next month?" Melanie screeched again, her entire body was shaking with fury. That fury seemed to be mainly directed toward me.

Oops. I forgot that she was completely pissed off right now. Ignoring an angry woman was_ not_ the way to go.

"Um, listen, Mel… Can I call you Mel?" I inquired politely.

"What?" she asked, producing a 'tuh' sound with the force of her rage. She looked surprised at my question.

"Never mind…" I said quickly, glad that she seemed to be momentarily distracted form the fact that I should be introducing her to David Anderson, or whoever he was.

"Um, David is a very busy man with his successful music career," I began, only to be interrupted by Melanie.

"His music career only started like, this year, when he was runner-up to David Cook!"

"Really?" I said, interested in spit of myself. "And who was David Cook?"

"David Cook," she said, her anger with me gone, her anger at this other dude was on. I pity the poor fellow, "is this punk who won American Idol and," he voice was getting progressively louder, "poor David Archuleta didn't win BY 12 MILLION VOTES."

Then she broke down into tears. She literally fell to the ground and started bawling her head off. And that was worse. Beause I would rather face a crazy, mad girl than a sobbing one. Which is why, utter idiot that I am, I said the following thing:

"I think David Cook really rocks, you know."

Melanie, who had crouched to the floor in utter disgrace raised her tear-stained face and looked at me. Well, at least she wasn't crying anymore.

"WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?" she thundered.

And I was so screwed. Again. Why didn't I just let her cry?

Hey, that was an Ashlee Simpson song 'Just Let Me Cry'… Not that I listen to chick music, of course. You know, cuz I'm such a manly man and all

Moving on… Melanie had just stood up and, even though I towered over her, I felt myself growing smaller and smaller.

"Did you just say that you thought David COOK was better than David ARCHULETA??"

"Um… no?" I asked, sheepishly. Seriously, I felt like I was five inches tall.

Her face rigid, her back straight and tall, she swiftly turned around. I thought that she was going to leave me alone and I was all like, Whew! That was close but at least she's leaving.

Have I mentioned that I have absolutely no luck? I don't know why… I've always been so nice and courteous to everyone…

Anyway, Melanie turned around, grabbed a pointy thing that looked like a miniature cactus and threw it at me. I suppose I was supposed to flinch in pain, to keep the charade, but I was too scared from Melanie that all I could do was scream loudly and flee.

Melanie chased me. "Come back here you no good (beeped out for censorship issues)! I'm going to kill you!"

I wanted to run with my super vampire speed, but I didn't want to cause any alarm to the other customers so I just shrieked and kept running to the cashier. We ran around the two cashier things a couple of times until I finally had the good sense to get away from that place and decide to run toward one of the aisles and hide there until Melanie calmed down. She was one crazed fangirl. Worse that the fangirls for some guy I heard about on TMZ (I don't watch that show, I swear!). His name is Spunk Ransom. What kind of wacked-out name was that anyway? But then, I suppose he's British and they're kinda weird. Except, maybe, for Carlisle.

But, let me tell you, Melanie? Yeah, she was demented. Totally out of it.

She chased me around two aisles until I finally jumped into a storage.

There was a lot of boxes and I was feeling claustrophobic. I mean, there was no air… not that I need oxygen or anything, but, well, I need my oxygen, okay?

So, while I was sitting in that cramped space, trying to fit between the huge boxes, I realized that all I had to do was find Jasper and try to get him to help me.

I sucked in a deep breath and peeked out. MTM (Melanie the Monster) was no where to be seen. She must be looking for me in other places of the store.

I ran down an aisle and, as I quickly escaped I heard a scream, a battle cry, a Tarazan chast thumping sound. "You're gonna die, buddy. DIE!" Melanie was right behind me! The loon must've been hiding and waiting for me to come out! I ran a little faster, not enough to arouse suspicion, just enough to get away form her and suddenly Jasper appeared in the far end of the aisle which had stuff a lotta stuff in cans.

Jasper had just been walking away from an old woman carrying a cane (she looked kinda hot) and he had a perplexed expression on his face. As he saw me, running for my life, his expression became for bemused.

"Run," I said shouted, gesturing in the opposite direction. "Quickly! Melanie has gone insane and says she wants to kill me!"

**AN: Sry it's kinda short. I thought it was funny and I hope you do too. I didn't mean it when I said British people are weird. I mean, ****Carlisle**** is from Britain. 'Nuff said. If you didn't know, Spunk Ransom is another name for Rob Pattinson... Turns out, I'm not as enlightened as I thought I was about RPattz's name :) Sorry**


	8. Kiwi and Lemon Juice

**Em's POV, because I like Emmett. If you think Jasper's POV would be better, PM me or tell me so in your review :)**

Jasper and I ran toward the Fruit section in the beginning of the store, grabbed our shopping carts which we had left there, hid them in the same storage room I had been in just then, and ran out the door.

"She's gone insane, hasn't she?" I asked Jasper, scared.

Jasper looked solemn and grave. "Yes, I believe she has gone insane. 'Fangirl-ness' is a dangerous, contagious disease. It affects most women, no matter what their age is. The old woman I just met seemed to be suffering from it, too."

He looked at Emmett seriously. "Emmett… even Alice has it."

I gasped, shocked beyond words. My mouth wobbled a bit as I spoke, scared for my pixie-like little sister. "Is she going to be alright?"

Jasper took a deep breath and closed his eyes. "Hopefully. I'm trying to treat her, but this Corbin Bleu person is driving her mad," he looked a bit sad. "She's in total stalker mode. She says she wants his hair so she can spin it into yarn."

Oh my. A disease that is fast-spreading and contagious. This is serious. Wait…

"It affects vampires, as well?" I asked, dumbfounded.

Jasper looked a bit surprised. "Well, I suppose," he said. "All I know is that Alice has it. It's actually getting serious."

I gulped. "Is that why Rosalie is so obsessed with Chace Crawford?"

Jasper's froze and his eyes flashed suddenly, like he suddenly understood something. "And Esme with Charlie Chaplin?"

We stayed outside for 15 minutes, just thinking silently. Wow. Fangirl-ness. Huh. That was interesting.

Jasper finally spoke, sending out little clouds in the air. "I think we better go in. We have already taken a long time to buy just 4 items."

I thought about the 3 carts we had shoved into the storage area. "It seems like we bought the entire store to me."

Jasper smiled wanly and led me toward the store entrance again. MTM (Melanie the Monster, remember?) was nowhere to be seen. Apparently, her rampage of rage had not interrupted anyone's shopping since there were still a lot of people pushing shopping carts around.

"Safe," Jasper breathed, after looking around cautiously.

"For now," I amended, warily looking around to see if Melanie was anywhere she shouldn't be.

Jasper pulled out the ominous and cursed list out again and looked at it carefully.

"We need to get Kiwis and then we need to find some Lemon Juice," he said.

He looked up and said, "We'll find Kiwis in the fruit section, apparently. Come on."

Jasper and I walked toward the fruits (for the third time today), looking back at our shoulders every so often. Jasper sensed my fear and said, "I'm sure she won't attack immediately." I nodded tensely.

How pathetic is it when you see to full grown vampires scared from a human girl? Pretty darn pathetic that's what you'll say, I know. If you dare say that then you have never faced the wrath of a completely committed fangirl. Yup, those girls are scary alright.

We looked around for a moment until, finally, we saw a woman hobbling, carrying a cane. Jasper looked scared out of his wits.

"Quick," he moaned, "hide me before she sees me."

"Who sees you?" I asked, interested.

Jasper, who had jumped behind me and was cowering behind my bulge looked up and pointed a shaky hand at the old woman who was approaching us.

I couldn't help it, I cracked up. "Her?" I asked. "You're scared of that sweet little old woman?"

Jasper glared at me. The fear that was supposed to rush through me as he gave me that look was somewhat lost seeing as he was cowering behind me. Suddenly, he brightened.

"Hey! She can help us! She's the one who told me what Kiwis were in the first place."

I grinned broadly, guessing why Jasper was so scared of her in an instant.

"Go, then, tell your inamorata to help us," I said, my grin growing even larger as I saw him shoot me an exasperated look.

"First off, she is NOT my 'inamorata' as you put it. Second, no way in hell am I going to approach her."

"Aw," I said, childishly, "but you'd look so cute together!" I began to chant in a sing-song tone, right there, in the middle of the store, "Jazzie and Old Lady sitting in a tree, K-I-S— OUCH!"

Jasper pinned to the ground in one swift movement. I must've been a bit out of it when I started skipping. He twisted my arm to the point where I could actually feel pain (a long-lost feeling, actually, physical pain). He did it for only a second and then he leapt of the floor and gazed at me with a smirk. Jerk. He knew I was in (minimal) pain.

"Remember this next time you decide to tease me."

"Next time I tease you," I threatened, "you're going to have your block knocked off, you got that?"

"Oooh. Save me," Jasper said, sounding excessively bored.

I rubbed my arm a bit, but there was no pain to diminish. I had to hand it to Jasper.

"Cool move," I grumbled.

Jasper looked pleased. "Thank you," he said graciously.

"Go on," I said, not wishing to waste any more time in this stupid store. "Ask her."

He sighed, shot me a tortured look, and began moving toward the old woman.

"Ma'am," he began.

At that moment, I knew why Jasper hadn't wanted to talk to her from the beginning. Hmmm. Could it have to do with the fact that she shrieked as soon as Jasper spoke?

"Gorgeous!" she yelled.

I tried to hold back my laughter. I didn't succeed.

"That would be me, I assume," he said, obviously flustered. "Miss Helen, I need to ask about the, er, Kiwis."

"Yes, what about them?" she batted her eyelashes at him.

I had to fight the urge to laugh again.

Jasper continued. "Where may I find them?"

Old Lady Helen pointed at some brownish, oval-shaped objects a few feet behind me.

Great! One more thing off the list!

I went to get the Kiwis (I remembered the list had said Bella wanted five). And then went to get our shopping carts from where we had stashed them. As I pushed three shopping carts (not an easy feat while pretending to be human) I saw that Jasper was alone and that Helen lady was nowhere to be seen.

"How did you get her to leave?" I asked, amazed.

Jasper shrugged. "I got her feel a little scared of me and then I told her that my wife was a champion weight-lifter. After that, she pretty much left on her own. And, I'm happy to say, I didn't inflict her with any heart attacks."

I smiled, "But you would have made such a lovely couple. I can imagine your weddi— DON'T TWIST MY ARM AGAIN!"

"Well, then you don't be stupid and childish again," he sniffed.

"C'mon," I said, angry, "I think these are lemons." I pointed at a box that contained some yellow… things, I suppose and that read 'Lemon'.

Jasper paused for a second then relaxed. "Well, if you get lemon juice from lemons, I suppose there is no harm in buying regular lemons and asking Bella to make lemon juice from them, right?"

"Too right," I nodded, as I placed a box into the already filled shopping carts. "Let's get this over with; the smell of food is making my head ache in uncomfortable ways."

Jasper nodded. He, too, seemed exhausted. "Human food comes in so many… _varieties_," he said.

"Yeah," I agreed, "Vampirism is way easier. Blood, like it or not. That's the only thing you eat. Or, to be exact, drink."

Jasper thought for a while, "Only if you agree to handle the burning pain. And the throatful of fire."

"Right…" I thought for a second.

"Okay, maybe the diet of a vampire isn't so hot. But at least we got STENGTH!" I bulged up my muscles until my neck practically disappeared.

Jasper rolled his eyes. "You, Emmett Cullen, have got to be the most immature person and vampire I have ever met."

"Aren't you sweet?" I grinned, flattered.

"I'm not complimenting you," he said wanly, sensing my emotions.

"Eh," I said, "it's a compliment to me."

Jasper rolled his eyes again.

"What's next on the list?" I asked, changing the subject of my apparent immaturity.

Jasper took out the list. His eyes blinked and read the paper again, his eyes moving swiftly across the page. He looked confused.

"What?" I asked.

"Take a look at this." He said, passing me the piece of paper and shaking his head.

I read it to myself and then read it aloud in my surprise.

"Cat food?"

**AN: Corbin Bleu is an amazing actor. He can act in many different roles and pull it off. But c'mon! His hair is so… you know! OBTW, I need help, please. Is this FF's rating alright, or should I have changed the rating to T? I mean, there is basically no language or anything so… er, what is the rating supposed to be? K+ or T?**


	9. Chapter 9

**Late update, I know. I told you so :] Just know that I am flattered by the number of reviews and want to thank everyone who reviewed (and read) the FF. I'm sorry if I didn't get to reply to all of them (especially the anonymous ones, I read and ****want**** all kinds or reader feedback!). Also, many were surprised at the 'Cat Food' part. It was supposed to be a joke, but it kinda got out of hand when a couple people expressed their, ahem, anger at it. Sorry!**

"Bella's gone insane," I stated plainly, honestly believing it now.

Jasper looked a bit thoughtful and then he said, "Yes, that does seem to be the deal at the moment."

I deliberated for a bit. "Think we should call her?"

Jasper paused, too, obviously wondering if calling Bella at her current emotional state was a mistake or if we should actually do it to avoid the risk of bringing her the wrong item.

"Let's call her," Jasper finally decided, after minutes of pondering.

I nodded and handed Jasper my cell phone. He shot me an angry look.

"Why me?" he asked.

"Better you than me," I shrugged. I didn't want to be the one Bella starts screaming at.

He gave me another withering look and grabbed the cell phone from my hand. He dialed quickly the landline. Bella (thankfully or unfortunately) was the one who picked up.

"What?" she said crabbily.

Somebody should've taken a nap today.

"Bella," Jasper said with fake enthusiasm, "you sound lovely."

There was a 3 second pause…

"Shut up, punk," she retorted, still upset.

Punk?

"Er, alright, Bella," Jasper muttered. Wouldn't want to be in his place right now.

"What do you want?" she asked, now sounding ready to cry.

Hormones are freaky, I tell you. Thank God vampires don't have any. Otherwise Rosalie would beat me up… pretty much everyday. I'm told I can be semi-annoying sometimes.

And, yes, Rosalie CAN beat me up. Don't tell anyone.

"It says on your grocery list cat food," Jasper was saying.

"So?" she said.

"Are you sure you wanted to buy cat food?" he asked.

"Yes."

"Erm, may I inquire to the reason?" Jasper asked again.

"I'm getting a cat." She replied as though it were the most natural thing in the world.

"A— A cat?" Jasper said, sounding shocked.

"Yes," she said, irritated. "A cat. How difficult is that to believe?"

Jasper and I exchanged a look. I took the phone from Jasper and spoke to her, trying to knock some sense into the woman, "Bella. Hi it's me. Emmett. Remember? We are vampires, aren't we? Cats have blood. Cats would freak out if we got anywhere near it."

I was talking as if I would talk to a five-year-old. You know, all slow and enunciating every word carefully. For some reason, that's the way everyone talks to me sometimes. I don't know why. I'm obviously very mature.

"Well," she said primly, "LuLu is just gonna have to deal with the fact that she lives with a household of vampires."

"LuLu?" Both Jasper and I chorused, though Bella could only hear me.

"Yes! LuLu! I like the name! God, people, what is the matter with you?" And then she hung up.

Both Jazz and I stared at the phone as it suddenly went silent. I called her a not-very-respectful name in my head.

"Okay," Jasper said, still bewildered, "cat food it is."

Jasper and I walked toward the pet food area (I had spotted some shelves as I had been hiding from Melanie) and we grabbed a couple of cans that had pictures of cats on them. We'll let Edward do the arguing with Bella. We just weren't in the mood to talk to Pregnant Bella right now. Edward's her husband, he's a big boy, this is all his fault. See, three reasons why Edward should be the one the die of Bella's wrath.

I shook my head and glanced at the list and at what the next item was. It took some squinting and rubbinmg my head but I finally read "Pineapples x3". I looked up and said to Jasper, "Bella also wants three pineapples."

"Pineapples," Jasper mused. "Apples… It's probably a fruit. You know, it _is _derived from the word apples."

"Great," I said. Aren't we awesome at buying food?

Jasper looked around as he spotted the apples. Green apples, it read on the shelf. We looked at the second shelf. Red apples. The third shelf read… pineapples!

We both pretty much forgot about Bella's cat as we looked the pineapples.

"What is _that_?" I asked, pretty much horrified.

"Wouldn't it hurt the human's tongue to eat all those… spikes?" Jasper wondered.

"Yeah, it would!" I agreed. "How do you think they eat it?"

"Maybe they cover their tongue with something and then stick the needle/spike things into their mouth."

I looked at the fruit thing.

"I don't think so," I said. "Besides, why would anyone do that to themselves?"

"I don't know! This is so hard!" Jasper said.

I take back the 'we are awesome at shopping now' comment. We still have absolutely no idea what we are doing.

"You know," I began, "I don't want my future nephew or niece to come out all covered in spikes because Bella ate pineapples! I mean, what if they poke him in the eye or something!"

"You're right," Jasper agreed.

Both of us stood there thinking.

"Maybe…" I said.

"What?" Jasper asked.

"Maybe we shouldn't buy them for Bella."

Jasper gasped and his face grew paler.

"What?" he said again, his voice fearful and scared.

"Well," I defended myself, "if Bella said she wanted to smoke pot or something, would we let her? NO. And if she plans to kill herself or the baby by poking her stomach, we shouldn't let her do it either."

"You're right," Jasper said solemnly, agreeing with me. "We need to look out for our little sister. Maybe she is having suicidal thoughts or something."

"Exactly," I said. "We should also take all these pineapples out of the store so other people don't buy them. We don't want children and other people to get hurt."

"But if they sell it in the store and in public isn't it alright for other people to buy them?"

I thought for a while about that. "I don't think so," I said slowly. "I mean, humans sell guns in stores. Don't guns kill people?"

Seriously, I don't know why I was being so passionate about this. Maybe I'm just an ol' softie at heart.

Nah…

Jasper nodded and looked like he was thinking deeply about my heated speech. "You're right. Let's get these vile objects away from here."

I nodded and the both of us grabbed the pineapples and placed them in our shirts, down our pants, under my baseball cap. Pretty much, everywhere we could.

We ran out the store (trying to look inconspicuous and normal) and threw them in a big trash compacter outside. The best thing about being a vampire is that our skin is granite hard, so we couldn't fell any of the… prickling and poking. All the better for us, of course.

By our fourth trip, we had managed to get all the pineapples out of the store.

Jasper ran to the car and got a lighter that we kept there at all times (for secret rendezvous meeting with the other Harry Potter fans. Everyone thinks I keep it there for emergency vampire-extermination. Shh!)

Jasper set the trash compacter on fire and we both watched it burn, feeling proud for doing our civic duty. Not only did we refuse to buy anything dangerous for Bella and are prepared to face her anger, but we also prevented other people from buying it, too. We deserve a Medal of Valor or something. We helped save lives. That counts for something. Especially if you're a vampire.

Jasper felt the pride oozing though my body and stood, ramrod straight in front of the trash compacter, and saluted me. I smiled, awed, and saluted him back.

"We have done what we meant to do," Jasper said in a commanding voice, probably from his old Army days. "We have managed to put a stop to this evil food away from here. Let us return like the brave men we are and boldly buy the final article of our wearisome journey. We should—"

"Jasper," I interrupted and then ammended, "I mean, Major Whitlock. You kinda lost me there at the end."

Major Whitlock glanced at me and said, with intelligent eyes that bestowed his wisdom, and said in a more casual tone, "That's it! There is only one more food item to buy and this whole exhausting, tiring, tedious shopping trip would be over!"

"Really?" I said, hardly able to believe it.

"Yes," he attested.

And so, the two brave heroes walked back with dignity and pride toward the supermarket, both of them still in their military salutes.

**AN: The 'cat food' part was random and weird, I know. But, well, that was the best I could do. The next chapter may be the last chapter. It may be a long one because I want to add Bella's reaction to what they bought and everything. Hope you enjoyed it as much as I did and please review! Jasper fangirls: What did you think if the return of Major Whitlock?**


	10. Sry Not the last chappie :

**AN: Thank you for all the great reviews, I'm glad a lot of you liked Major Whitlock! Someone PMed about how drastic I was making Bella sound and how I was exaggerating how Jazz and Em are scared of her. First off, read: fan FICTION. It is not really happening in the book (obviously). Second, I have two sisters who have kids (which means 4 nephews and nieces for me) and one that is pregnant now. They were literally crazy, to pt it nicely. I would know that because one of them lived with us through her first two pregnancies. So, um, I'm basing this on my experience with my sisters. You did not want to cross them while they were all hormonal like that. Trust me on that. (Although I doubt either would beat her husband up if he didn't find something for her to eat… :])**

**Disclaimer (haven't added one in a long time): Don't own Twilight or Harry Potter (Yes, I mention it briefly).**

As we reentered the store, we straightened up from our military poses and Jasper took the list with a flourish. He read the item and then did a double take.

Oh my God, would this horror ever end?

"Emmett," he said with a sigh. "Do chickens have fingers?"

"What?" I said, not believing what he just asked.

"Do chickens have fingers?" he asked again, sounding like he might just start sobbing (a contrast from the Military Jasper I just saw). "Bella wants something called chicken fingers."

I _really_ don't like Bella anymore.

"Birds have wings, don't they?" I said through my iron-hard, clenched teeth.

"Yes," Jasper breathed.

"THEN HOW IN PETE'S SAKE CAN THEY HAVE FINGERS!" I yelled. I was getting tired of this. I was not in the mood for anymore games.

Several people closed their ears and child started crying. I guess my voice was louder than I thought. Whatever.

"I don't know!" he cried. "This is so frustrating!"

Suddenly, I spied something in the far end of the store.

"Jasper," I whispered. "Get up and start running outside right now."

"What?" he said from where he had just sat on the ground.

"I think I just saw Melanie," I said, trying not to make any noise and to hide my huge body behind a cardboard cut-out of a cheetah who was holding a bag of… something orange in his hands. Sorry, excuse me: paws.

Unfortunately, I couldn't fit behind it and so I grabbed Jasper and ran. Jasper seemed a bit shell-shocked. I think this shopping trip broke his powers. He is now dead. I mean, you know, more dead than he was before. He's, like, Dementor's kiss dead. I'm a Harry Potter geek, ok? Suck it up. I'm going to stop talking right now.

We ran to a place where they kept toilet paper and a few other female stuff I don't want to think about.

Jasper looked at me with wide eyes. I was starting to feel a bit scared. I guess that that was what Jazzie was feeling.

"What's wrong?" he asked fearfully.

"Melanie," I repeated again. Boy, was Jazz out of it or what?

"Oh, man," Jasper moaned, and he sunk to the floor again in utter despair.

I started to feel all depressed and emo. Let me clarify: Emmet Cullen does not like his emotions to be messed around with. Especially when Jasper makes you feel something dark or moody. I am a sunny positive person. Except if you beat me at any sport. Then I'm just mad.

Anyway. I said, not too politely, to Jasper, "Jasper, you frickin' freakazoid, if you don't stop changing my emotions I will knock your block off."

It is a sign of how depressed Jasper was that he instantly started to try to feel happy. I tell you, this is not Jasper. The Jasper I know would've accepted the challenge and dared me to try and hit him. And then he would've sulked when I beat him. (Because I always do beat him)

I blame Bella for messing up my bro. No, wait. I blame Edward.

"Okay," I said, trying to think rationally. "Chickens don't have fingers, and yet, there are chicken fingers. How is that possible?"

Jasper shook his head tiredly and I thought I heard him sob.

I heaved a sigh and sat down on the ground next to him. We both sat there silently and tried to think of ways chicken could have fingers when they, in fact, only have wings. I hate humans and their stupid food.

"Maybe," I suggested, "they carve chickens into the shape of fingers."

Jazz looked at me strangely for a moment. "Why would they ever do that? That's plain disgusting."

"What?" I said sharply, defending my point. "They are humans! They eat weird stuff! I mean you just saw that they feel completely comfortable eating that strange poking thing!"

Jasper thought about it for a second then he nodded and got up form the floor. "You're right," he nodded. "They probably do eat that. But why would they carve chickens into fingers? Can't they just eat the chicken and get it over with, already?" He asked as he pulled me off the floor, too.

"They are humans," I said again, simply and both me and Jasper nodded. Those three words explained everything.

Now, as we were both standing in the toiletries aisle thinking the same thing: where do we find the finger-shaped chickens?

Suddenly, Jasper pulled me toward the farthest end of the aisle. I struggled against his arms and pushed him away.

"Hey! What do you think you are doing?"

He said one word. A word that could send chills down any persons' back, but especially me: "Melanie"

"Oh my, God, will that girl ever give up?" I wondered.

"Well," Jasper snapped. "If you hadn't lied to her in the first place…"

"Whoa! Are you blaming me for having Little Miss Crazy tailing us around?"

"Damn straight I'm blaming you."

"You are such a jerk," I muttered.

Jasper gave me a hard steady look.

"Take that back," he hissed. Apparently, the feeble Jasper that had been sitting on the floor looking pitiful was nonexistent now.

"Make me," I challenged.

"Oh, I will," Jasper said angrily as he raised his fist. Just as he was about to bring it smashing into my face, we heard a cry:

"HANDSOME!"

As the both of us looked toward the entrance of the aisle, we saw the silhouette of an old, short woman with a bent back and was carrying a cane.

Jasper's eyes grew wider in horror and I looked at him with fear, too. I suddenly remembered where I had seen her before.

Was this isle the crazy fan-girl isle? Why weren't we informed beforehand?

"RUN!" we both yelled, before the aging, decrepit woman could attack.

"But, wait—" she said, as she tried to hobble after us.

I don't think I need to mention that we outran her.

"Safe," I gasped.

We exchanged another look and we both said, grimly: "For now."

**AN: Thank you to Kimmy Cullen who gave me the chicken fingers idea (I think it was Kimmy Cullen. Correct me if I'm wrong!). Don't hate me. I know I said this is the last chapter. I'll try to see if I can finish this story soon, but it doesn't look good. I finished this chapter… 9 days ago and couldn't think of any thing more to write. Dang writers' block. :( Don't worry, Bella's reaction **_**is**_** coming. It just might take while.**

**Also, there is a poll on my profile. Please vote!**


	11. Last Chapter

**The long-awaited last chapter!~~**

**Thank you, to everyone who read this story (and reviewed it, too!). You guys absolutely rock!**

**PLEASE GO TO MY POLL TO VOTE! POLL ENDS ON APRIL 18****TH****!**

**Disclaimer: If I owned Twilight, I'd be lounging on a beach somewhere (and completely ditching school). So, nope, don't own it. I also d****on't own Pokemon, Harry Potter, Chicken Fingers, dancing animals, the song Crush by David Archuleta (it's a good song; give it a listen) and many other things, either.**

Both Jasper and I walked quickly to the 'Poultry, Meat and Fish' area again. Chickens were poultry, right? I walked slowly forward and Jasper kept looking back to see if anyone was following us.

Both of us were terrified that our stalkers were following.

Pathetic. Vampires scared of two women. I _loathe_ myself.

Jasper was now looking into the freezers and looking for the chickens.

"Found some!" he announced proudly, opening a freezer. He suddenly paused and looked at his other side, on the freezer a bit further from him. "Emmett, I think there are some already finger-shaped chickens."

"What?" I said. "How can that be?"

"I don't know," he said, walking a few steps to that other freezer and opening it and pulling out a small box that read, "Chicken Fingers".

The box had… chickens wearing sunglasses. Dancing. The birds looked so happy.

They completely freaked me out. It was like the dancing pieces of toast on the Pop-Tart boxes all over again. Creepy. Spooky. Frightening.

I backed away from the box in Jasper's hand. My voice shook a little as I asked, "Um… Which one of these should we buy?"

I admired Jasper's courage as he looked at the box casually and said, "I suppose buying this one is best seeing as— Emmett, why are you feeling so terrified?"

I bowed my head and took some deep breaths as I tried to calm myself down. _Don't panic_, I chided in my head. _Don't panic. Or Jasper will never let you- or anyone else- forget this._

"I'm just, er, well, you know…" I said brilliantly. Have you ever met a more loquacious person than me?

"No," Jasper said, now looking highly amused, completely forgetting about the chicken fingers. "I can honestly say that I don't know."

I looked at him fearfully and decided to tell the truth. Jasper wouldn't make that much fun of me, I was sure. "But… the chickens are _dancing,_" I whispered.

Jasper looked at me seriously for a moment—

and then burst out into laughter.

"So (laugh) you are completely (laugh) scared of this box (laugh) because it has (laugh) dancing birds (unable to continue do to LAUGHTER)?"

"Hey," I said bravely, trying to defend my case. "They look so unnatural and strange. It's very… disturbing."

Jasper kept right on laughing.

And I thought Jasper was going to make the least fun of me. Traitor. You can't trust anyone these days.

Jasper finally composed himself. "Finished?" I said coldly.

Jasper met my eye… and the laughing began all over again.

I was sick of this. I swiftly punched him right under the jaw.

That stopped his laughter pretty quickly.

"Ow!" he complained, though I knew he was lying. "Why'd you do that?"

"To shut you up, you moron," I replied plainly.

"I was just kidding around," he muttered as he placed the Dancing Chickens into the shopping cart and he dragged the three shopping carts to exit the aisle.

"So, what's next on the shopping list?" he asked.

I was a little busy listing the different phobias in my head and wondering if dancing objects were a part of them. And, also, I was thinking what I could bribe Jazz with so that he won't tell anyone about this.

However, as soon as I heard his words, I couldn't stop the huge smile bursting on my face.

"That was it!" I said, happily, practically giddy.

"What?" he asked, looking like he could hardly believe what he was hearing.

I could totally relate to what he was feeling. We had been stuck in this store for so long, it was hard to believe that there was a world outside strange food, strange convoluted food names, and strange stalker women.

Supermarkets are just plain strange.

"Yup," I said, still full of joy and also being affected by Jasper's delight. "That was the last item on the shopping list."

Jasper did a weird little happy jig.

I controlled my fear and tried not to scream bloody murder. Instead, my (dead) heart let out a (metaphorical) shriek.

I was very proud of myself. I pondered where this sudden fear had come from. Maybe being in such close proximity with food was messing up my brain.

I _need_ to get out of here. For my mental health.

Jasper and I quickly rushed toward the checkout points in the store and waited, not so patiently, I might add, for the people before us to finish.

Thank Goodness Melanie wasn't the only person there and that there were plenty other checkout people. I tapped my shoes until I noticed the TV that was hanging from the ceiling thing.

It had a soccer game on! Whoo-hoo! Finally, some masculine sport to watch. Not some lame music video. 'Crush'… what kinda song name is that? Unless it involves someone getting crushed into pieces—preferably on a sports field of some sort—then I am just not interested. TV is so lame nowadays. I miss Pokemon and all the other good cartoons. For some reason, they don't show Pokemon anymore. Heartbreaking, isn't it?

Finally (finally, finally, FINALLY!) it was our turn for the cash register. The boy's eyes ('Dylan' was stitched on his flourescent employee jacket) widened as he looked at our shopping carts. Box after box of Pop-Tarts was the main point of interest, I assume. We probably looked like we were about to feed an entire Third World country.

"Er, hello, sir," Dylan said, still looking a bit bewildered.

See? Bella _has_ to humiliate us in public. I don't like being stared at funnily! Just because she blushes all the time, she wants to make us blush, too. Read, woman: no blood, no blush. Alright?

"Hello," Jasper said formally. He was back to his slightly uptight, Percy Weasley-attitude.

"Do you, um, have the Special Customer Discount Service card?" Dylan asked. He was slightly shaking. Wow, he was really scared of us. I haven't lost my touch. **(AN: Totally made this card up, BTW)**

"No," both Jasper and I answered.

"OK," Dylan nodded and started running that little stun gun-shaped thing on all the food.

That thing looked cool. I wouldn't mind owning that.

After about thirty minutes (maybe a bit more), Dylan was finally done.

Dylan looked at the screen and back at Jasper.

"That'll be $326.77," Dylan said.

Jasper nodded and gave him four hundred dollars.

"Keep the change," he said, coolly. He obviously didn't want to wait for Dylan to count up all the change. He wanted to escape the supermarket just as fast as I did.

"But-" Dylan stuttered, "that would be, like, seventy dollars!"

I did the math quickly in my head and answered, "Actually, 73 dollars and 23 cents."

Yeah, I can an annoying smart aleck, too. It's not only Edward who has that gift, you know.

"Donate it to a charity," Jasper suggested.

While Dylan had been checking stuff out (tee-hee!), Jasper had been putting them in brown paper bags. Now, we just grabbed everything and placed into a shopping cart so that everything was balanced on top of each-other. Then I grabbed the handle of the shopping cart and got the hell out of there. With our vampirism strength (and our own human urgency to get out of the store), we picked everything up and threw it into the truck of the Jeep. Then, we ran quickly into the car and I hit the gas so fast that if we had been human, we would've felt nauseous (I hear that it is a very uncomfortable feeling).

We didn't talk all the way to the house. We didn't need to. The relief that was emitting from Jasper and the relief he was feeling from me was enough for the both of us. If I was human, I would want to got to sleep from all this stress I've got from today. Even though I am a vampire, I think I just got a few grey hairs from today.

I quickly reached the house. That was understandable, seeing as I was driving 150 mph above the speed limit.

I slammed the brakes and both Jazz and I jumped out of the car, opened the trunk simultaneously, both grabbed every shopping bag until we couldn't see anything in front of us at all, and ran up the porch stairs as fast as we possibly could to give Bella her things.

We entered with Bella holding a fluffy white cat (LuLu?) and Edward pleading with her to let it go. Something about how cats were dangerous to the fetus.

Anyways, Jasper and I dropped our bags on the floor to make our presence known to Bella. She told Edward to be quiet and he flopped on the couch beside her, looking frustrated at Bella (join the club, Eddie-boy). He was also glaring at the cat with hatred. That was going to be one seriously loathed cat (by Edward, at least). Bella was cuddling it. I think she is going from loving a vampire, to being best friends with a dog and loving him, too, to changing her affections to a cat and then maybe a vampire-baby.

My brain is killing me from trying to comprehend Bella.

Bella finally graced us by looking at us critically. "Back, are you?" she huffed. "Well, it took you long enough."

Of all the ungrateful things to be said!

Jasper immediately calmed my seething self and Edward said, quickly and quietly, "Emmett, she's not herself. Calm down, please."

I shot him a Look and forced my face into an apologetic expression.

"Yeah, sorry about that," I started. "But there was some items we weren't sure of. And the pineapple looked pretty dangerous and all, so we couldn't get that."

_Your wife has a death wish_, I though to Edward.

Bella huffed again. She was turning into the Big Bad Wolf. "Where is my Cinnamon Toast Crunch?"

"What?" Jasper spoke for the first time. He didn't like being around Bella anymore. She drove him completely and utterly insane, to put it politely.

"You didn't buy it? How am I supposed to survive?!" she cried. "The only thing to look forward to was that you were going to bring my Cinnamon Toast Cru—"

"Hey, lady! You didn't write!" I snapped. That probably wasn't very nice but, well, she was making me mad!

"What?" she asked. I took her shopping list from my pocket and gave it to her. It was crinkled and messy that the reading was barely legible. She looked through it swiftly and then smiled at me and Jasper and said sweetly, "How about another trip to the supermarket, boys?"

This scenario was right out of a Stephen King novel. Jasper and I exchanged glances of horror. "NO!!!!" we both yelled and turned on our heels and ran out the door.

"Edward," I heard Bella whine, as I headed for Canada, a safe distance away from that crazy pregnent woman, "I also need three other things. Make that four! Go to the store and get them for me, please!"

And Edward said, because he is so gullible and had no idea what he was getting himself into, "Yes, love."

May the Good Lord save him and bless his soul. We shall miss him.

THE END

AN: Please, please review! This is the last chapter, meaning I want to know if you liked the ending or not! I spent all my free time, basically, writing this FF and trying to finish it for you peoples. And it's pretty long, too.

**Oh, and Tara-Cullen suggested the Cinnamon Toast Crunch. (I managed to put it in, after all!)**

**And there's a poll in my profile. Please go vote!**


	12. Thanks and an Update

First off: Thank you, Thank you, THANK YOU to everyone who read this FF and said that they really liked it. You guys are the best and look forward for more of my, er, possibly contagious randomness.

Go vote on the poll on my profile for any new stories you would like to see. You can vote to up to two story ideas. I know I'm kinda nagging about this so, sorry! I also don't think I can wait till practically mid- April to start a new FF, so it'll probably be during the first few days of April that the poll will end.

Anyway, the point of this 'chapter' was about an anonymous reviewer who asked me if there would be any FFs about Edward's adventure with buying food and all. The answer is, no, there will not be another FF about that. It just would get so repetitive and everything. I don't think there is anything that can go wrong in a supermarket, with vampires doing the shopping that I haven't used. Also I got a PM (apparently you can't review the same chapter twice) of someone asking what happened to Melanie. Melanie got admitted to the closest mental hospital, ok? Her room-mate was that insane old woman.

So, yeah, sorry, no Edward FF because he is such a lame character and all. (KIDDING!! I love him! Don't get your hopes up, Loony) Besides, I don't think there is anything let to say about this story.

Here I am, nagging again: So far I have 21 voters on the poll thingy and 57 people who have me on story alert. I'm not bragging or anything, I'm just saying that if you read this, please just go vote. It only takes a second.

To people who care about the outcome of the poll, here it is:

-- Emmett, Full House, and Nessie's Monster is leading

-- Second is: Interview with RPattz

-- Followed by Emmett and Santa

(I'm a huge Emmett fan, in case you haven't noticed)

Moving on… Listen to Imprint! Yay! I love Matt! And Andrew! And Laura And Elysa and everyone else on MuggleCast, too!

I know, weird and random, but, hey, that's me!

~~StillOBSESSED

P.S. I mean, for Heaven's sake, even my _name_ is weird.


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